It turns out that Evelyn’s improved sleeping pattern was only a temporary blip in an otherwise sleepless existence. She’s back to waking up every two hours and has also picked up a habit from her first year of life where she’s up (but happy) for an hour or more every night. Which means I’m also up (but less happy) for that stretch of time as well.

It is sometimes hard to be mad at a kid singing songs to herself though.

I thought that when I had kids that I would know when I was “done” having children. Maybe because other people said they knew when they were done – some even as soon as their last child was born – or maybe because I knew after Abby was born that I wanted another so I assumed I would know when I didn’t want to have another. But I just don’t know. Two years after Ev entered our lives, I don’t have that “done” feeling. All the conversations we’ve had have ended with a list of reasons that undeniably tip onto the “we should stop at the two kids we have” side, but I still can’t commit to saying “I don’t want another child.”

It took me quite a while to figure out why, but it finally hit me on the weekend: I just have this feeling that our family isn’t complete yet. Is that the feeling that I’m not “done”? Because in every way, I actually do feel done. Except for that feeling.

And this isn’t about having a boy. I am thrilled to have two girls. I’ll admit, I was even afraid to have a boy the first time around. Boys are craaaaazzzzy. The second time around I wasn’t apprehensive about the possibility of having a boy, but I also was quite confident that we were having a girl so I didn’t dwell on it too much. I would be thrilled to have a third girl, if we did have a third child.

Months ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to have a third. Now, I almost feel like I’m not ready. Which isn’t quite the same, I guess, as saying that I don’t want a third.