I thought that when I had kids that I would know when I was “done” having children. Maybe because other people said they knew when they were done – some even as soon as their last child was born – or maybe because I knew after Abby was born that I wanted another so I assumed I would know when I didn’t want to have another. But I just don’t know. Two years after Ev entered our lives, I don’t have that “done” feeling. All the conversations we’ve had have ended with a list of reasons that undeniably tip onto the “we should stop at the two kids we have” side, but I still can’t commit to saying “I don’t want another child.”

It took me quite a while to figure out why, but it finally hit me on the weekend: I just have this feeling that our family isn’t complete yet. Is that the feeling that I’m not “done”? Because in every way, I actually do feel done. Except for that feeling.

And this isn’t about having a boy. I am thrilled to have two girls. I’ll admit, I was even afraid to have a boy the first time around. Boys are craaaaazzzzy. The second time around I wasn’t apprehensive about the possibility of having a boy, but I also was quite confident that we were having a girl so I didn’t dwell on it too much. I would be thrilled to have a third girl, if we did have a third child.

Months ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to have a third. Now, I almost feel like I’m not ready. Which isn’t quite the same, I guess, as saying that I don’t want a third.